Liselle Moncherie

Sunday, November 16, 2014 @ 12:30 PM  |  2 Comment(s)

This could be an adoxography to certain people,
But for me, this is my 60 days journal that has been buried in my mind,
The good...the bad...the sweet...the bitter...
I've been keeping things to myself for too long, unwritten or untold
It was a pretty huge mess back then....I was lost...confused..and everything was falling apart

Whoa this is a bad start for my first post for 2014
Efflorescence, such a word...

"God will never give you things that you can't handle"
A quote that everyone would have planted in their mind, and it grows when it comes to facing the odds of life. A common sentence for everyone to understand and let the Almighty do His miracles to the ones who turn to Him for help.

I've changed drastically over the past few months.....almost everyone saw it coming...my lecturers...my friends...my parents....and almost everyone who kind enough to keep me in their memory. I got distracted in class, I isolated myself from my friends, I have lost my appetite.....and lost a lot of weight...not to mention...a great hair loss...I looked totally different than before. My skin turned dull..my face was very pale as if  I was a walking "zombie", yeah someone called me since I really look like a confused dead person...dazed.

I couldn't sleep at night.... because I keep having nightmares. Dark circles started to bag up around my eyes....with the drastic thin look...worsen my condition...there are times when I went to the Musolla just to get a goodnight sleep....I would still be awaken after every 1 hour as I closed my eyes...the clock ticks...a slight movement or a little sound would keep me awake all night. Irregular heartbeat, cold and shaky hands.....feel about to faint at any moment. No matter how hard I try to put myself to sleep...it would be a failure. I admit I do get tired easily and there are just days I prefer to curl up under my blanket and avoid seeing people....I just can't figure out what's wrong with me back then.

"What is wrong with you!" they asked
"Nothing is right about me..." I replied

I avoid questions.....by saying I'm fine whenever people keep asking me "Are you okay?" I hid my shaky hands, pretend to act cool as I about to collapse. A "knife" was stabbed through my heart made me couldn't move my left arm sometimes....my back was affected...an obvious sign that I need help. Everyday it's a struggle to get up from bed, and so there is a friend who is kind enough to offer me help, my neighbour Mahathir. He did offer himself to take me to the hospital as soon he found out I've changed too much,  but I refused at first....saying I'm still standing and breathing just fine....until one morning....a sharp pain on my left abdomen and went through my legs while I was about to have my breakfast at the college cafeteria.

Severe backpain made me hard to walk, barely touch my food or lift heavy things. I can't even lift my spoon...it was pretty crucial. Mahathir has been a really good friend, he did take good care of me while I was suffering since I only trust him to take me anywhere. Sending me to the hospital, waited for me all night, have dinner with me and force me to finish my meal. It just touches my heart to have a true friend who would sacrifice his time for me just to make sure that Im okay and only God could repay you my friend and I always pray for your success in UK.

So after a while, I began to recover slowly, I did the MRI test and not to mention 3 times of X rays and found nothing is wrong with my back. I was surprised, like where did the pain come from? If there was nothing...why am I feeling this pain? The doctor did ask me whether I can accept the fact that my health results is perfectly normal or else he wanted to send me to a psychiatrist. I was a bit furious like do you think Im crazy? I wouldn't be here if Im not sick! but my mouth manage to say a few words that went like this "No thanks, I already took psychology during my 3rd sem".

I left the doctor's room with the MRI film in my hand and headed towards a seat and think what has been bothering me all this while....then I saw a kid on a wheelchair with a mask and a cap covering his head, he was looking at me and I was looking at him..then I talked to myself I should be lucky to be diagnosed as normal and he must be wishing that he's in my place...to be normal. Later I discovered that I suffered from a clinical depression, it was just a mind game. I was too heart broken until it affected my health....and my finals since I had to take my exams at a simulation ward in my college.

I wont mention why I was heartbroken, because it wasn't worth get a heartbreak over something that is uncertain. A big lesson learnt, later I found out that the veins in my back was tangled pretty bad until it causes me to have a pain like Sciatica and the therapist told me I couldn't walk if I let it be that way since the veins has swollen until the size of the pinky promise finger.

Months after months I recover and now I'm back on being myself again, a little advice, don't put too much trust for uncertainty, be with the person who truly loves you, trust your gut because you can sense what's real and what's not. For my friend Mahathir, thank you so much for all the good deeds you had done to me, you always there for me, a true great friend of mine, Mahathir Rajalie.

So 2014 has a harsh start for me but there will be no rainbow without a little rain right? A big year for a big girl and there's yet to come with another happy story of mine :)

Blogger Haruno Hana 하나 SAID ON November 16, 2014 at 2:59 PM  

I've always thought you're happy, seeing your posts on Insta. Be happy Liselle :) may Him protect you from any harmful beings or things insya-Allah

Anonymous Anonymous SAID ON November 18, 2014 at 9:02 AM  

Waaaa Juni hehe

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