I'm Back With A Dilemma

Roses are dried within days,
A broken heart takes forever to heal,
I was confused and dazed,
Hoping my wound would start to feel,
Feel the peel?

I'm switching the vacuum on! It sure is dusty here....oh my god! My Nyan Cat had just turned into a spider...spider cat-spider cat,can he swing? No he can't he's a cat...look out it's Spider Cat! He does made some shabby spider webs.Okay...so What happened to me?Where did I go? <----Lame questions from myself,hehehe XD

Well I actually went to school for 3 weeks....and I never had the time to blog since tiredness conquering me! I'm old...T_T....and actually I think that I've lost myself for the time being.

I can't write like I used to,
I can't think like I used to,
I don't feel like I used to,

Why I've changed so much lately? A single thing has ruined my first dream and it left me a deep scar.
I couldn't think rationally since 7th of April.I had to admit,I can't really get up from my sleep after my dad throw me dozens of pillows...leave me alone.I want to sleep forever<----I had no intention to be the Sleeping Beauty! Hohoho.....I always get disappointed easily,does disappointment similar to "Giving Up?"

No! It's not giving up....it's just...well ...how can I describe this..hurm.... it's like this heart broken that is caused by a "Great" sadness.So yeah,I'm just depressed not giving up or anything and since I didn't have much time to blog and read your blogs....I became less interested to write T^T .

I need your help,I'm dealing with the biggest dilemma in my life...It's not like I'm getting married and stuck between 2 guys...hey wait! I am dealing with two "Guys" here TESL and Mass Communications.I got both offers.Tesl,at first I was in love with you and I don't want to lose you but then....you don't love me as much as I do...I give you all I have but you tossed it in the trash,YES YOU DID!<--- I won't catch a grenade for ya.

Mass Communications came and saved me from great frustration....I fell in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you <3.....but suddenly TESL called me "Baby come back to me.I'll be everything you need"....You left me and want me back? No way pal...I hate you T_T...How could you do this to me?......I don't love you like I used to...I don't want you like I used to...Why?

When I didn't get what I want...I will look after a new one,I will hate the things that I used to love...
My mom asked me to think wisely before I choose....she wants me to take TESL...and she didn't want me to reject TESL because of my frustration...Sorry mom,I couldn't accept TESL....it drives me crazy!

TESL or Mass Communications.......? Allah please help me choose....I don't want to end up in a mental institution because of this...I'm not demented T_T

Pizza Piranha

Have you guys ever wonder why I use "Liselle Moncherie" instead of my real name?
Well Do you? It's okay if my name never crossed your minds but now I am typing the history of my real name and that is FIRZANAH.

I used to hate my name when almost everyone called me "Pizzahut" and "Piranha" when I was 7....I hate school and I hate almost everyone in school.They didn't know to differentiate between P and F,huhu pity them...they didn't "graduate" from the kindergarten.Even on my certificates,they wrote "Farzanah" instead of "Firzanah".When I was 8,I went to a Quran Reciting class and there was a very nice Ustaz who likes to ask me about my name,and he likes to call me again and again...although I pass my turn to recite the Quran until he told me "Firzanah,Ustaz suka sangat nama kamu ni tiap-tiap kali Ustaz nak sebut,kalau la Ustaz ada anak perempuan Ustaz nak letak nama Firzanah jugak".Hmmm he's the only one who likes my name besides my parents at that moment but at the primary school?Only Allah knows.

Sometimes,when I came back from school.....I throw away my school bag furiously and ask my parents why Firzanah? Why? There are lots of other names that you can give me but why Firzanah?
"Nama tu special,maksudnya Yang Cerdik.Jaja kan pandai,nama tu kan sedap mama dengan bapa bagi nama Islam tu ada dalam buku Nama-Nama Islam tu,cuba Jaja tengok".I search for the book and found names with the letter F,the named FIRZANAH was underlined with a pencil.My parents chose the name,and I carried them with a pride.....even my characters are slightly different from the kids with my age...and that's why I've been teased a lot.

Do you know how annoyed I was when an Ustazah just asked me "Apa ke pelik betul nama kamu ni,bukan selalunya Farzanah ,ni Firzanah apa maksudnya entah?"<---In a very sarcastic way.I get that a lot from other people too,hey the patience meter just reached the maximum level.She always called me Suzannah.If someone calls you with a wrong name everyday,would you be mad?

"Ustazah,mak pak saya bagi nama saya Firzanah ada maksud tau,Yang CERDIK.Bukan saja-saja suka-suka nak bagi."a quick answer came out from my "Big" mouth.She was surprised to see how angry I was when I answered.The whole class was in shocked,the first time they saw me stood up and tell them my name wasn't a thing to play with.I got a name and so does everybody else and the only difference is that my name is quite unique and rare,mwehehehe.Since that day,no once dares to tease my name.All the boys received punches and kicks from me.Satisfied? Yes,I am.Bullies and teasers don't deserve to live,they are the losers who try to hide their weakness by mocking other people.How stupid....and how pathetic they are but then again history made who we are.

2004,I volunteered myself to help the Headmaster to translate an English book entitle "The Blue Boy" into Bahasa Melayu during school assemblies.That story...it' about a boy who is blue in Africa and everyone likes to tease him for being different and I...imagine myself as Him.So when I read the story I feel motivated by his courage.He ignored all the teases and names given and he finally success to be a Soccer player because he has a big talent playing Soccer.All the pain is a motivation for him to be a successful person.Everyday I have to get on the school stage and while the headmaster reads the story in English and I will translate them into Bahasa and guess what,the Headmaster gave me RM 1 everyday!Huhuhuhu well that's my luck.My name is no longer a joke,every teachers in school knows me and the boys.....I saw them began to feel ashamed of themselves.I don't get teased anymore and questioned about my name.

After years go by,I've been planning to change my name....it's not like I hate my own name but I don't like to remember the past....and how bad I felt when people teased my name.I want a new identity and I want people to forget the "old" Firzanah.....no more Pizza and Piranha.

Swee Swee Swing

Life in school is not really exciting when you're 17 1/2 waiting to go 18....but anyway I'm still glad that I could come to school and try to be a student for my 3rd High School and that is SMK X mwehehe! 3rd High school???? Yep the 3rd...Boarding school,Regular Public School and Boarding+regular public school.I've tried them all! This would be my last school then...very tiring!

What happens to my uniform? My mom didn't send it to the tailor...So it means that I'm not staying for Form 6! Yay! She told me to wait for the 2nd intake and The KTT called me and ask me to enter the college on 3rd June for the interview.Enter the college before the interview,kinda weird but at least I get another chance to become a successful JOURNALIST! I purposely go to school....although I know I'll be leaving soon,but I want to spend my time with Nisa....after all this journey for almost 3 years as schoolmates and classmates.She really understands me....I love you so much Nisa!!!!

"Jangan risau pasal interview sgt iye,ramai orang dapat lepas tapi sebabkan Uitm tak boleh nak arrange jadual interview,nanti anak puan boleh daftar dulu masuk KTT baru kita arrange interview" Said Encik Shukri,the intake officer just called my mom this afternoon.


Being in school...is very tiring..this school is the biggest school I ever been! I guess I do need some exercise before I started college ehehehe burning the calories and fat,plus...I don't have much time to post and reading your blogs T_T...I know...it sucks when I can't read your blogs.Time is squashing me to do this and that.I only have time to read your blogs on weekends....my blog would be dusty and even dustier....postings will be posted on weekends too ...Oh Man!!!!! U_U

So here comes the senior,I took a career test lately and the result is...."LAWYER" seriously? My friends told me "Sesuai dah! Jangan sia-sia kan bakat ko Firzanah"....erk guys don't you remember that I break the law...instead of fighting for it?The only thing that is worth fighting for me is.....<---the rights for myself?Lawyer is not an interest of mine,although many people encourage me to become one....Sorry guys,Liselle is better as a Journalist :)

"Baru je daftar tetiba nanti kena kemas barang balik"said Mom
"Aish,kenapa pulak?"me
"Ye,lah tengok-tengok Uitm panggil 2nd intake TESL"Mom is hoping for that

"Heh,banyak lagi orang dalam dunia ni mama,dia mestilah pilih orang A+.Siapalah nak ambil budak yang tahu cakap tapi dpt sikit je A.Beria panggil orang interview tapi nak ambik orang based on SPM,fokus Mass Comm dulu.Jaja dah malas nak berharap benda yang tak pasti.Banyak lagi la orang dia nak pilih,Jaja dah tak kisah sebab Jaja dah nak buat Mass Comm.Lagi best boleh jadi mcm Ryan Seacrest" I said with full of enthusiasm for Mass Comm!

"Takdelah,mana la tahu.Mama rasa macam diorang nak panggil Jaja buat TESL"A Mother's hunch....

"Same je la..haritu mama rasa Jaja dpt UIA,tapi tak dapat mana pun.Haaa,lupakan TESL.Mass Comm!" I don't believe in hunches and intuition anymore.

I realise that I can do many other things but they are just not my interest.I began to believe a saying that says "One day we will hate what we used to love and we will love what we used to hate".