16th October, 2013
In the dark with only a little dim of light, I am typing this post under a thin blue blanket that cover me from the coldness that comes from the cold breeze of mom's air conditioner (like seriously I wrote the details to create an excitement...or I just failed?)
So anyway,October came and there's only 2 months left for me to cherish my age of being 19....like I wrote before...the last 1 before 9 and another digit is going to replace number 1 which I hope that is not going to be so soon...but time doesn't wait...sooner or later the numbers going to keep increasing and time to live will keep decreasing don't they?
I'm not gonna write about the Life and Times of Firzanah, or my own biography here but there's something been bothering me lately. I notice that some of my friends in the real world often refer me as Liselle instead of Firzanah although they know me as Firzanah the Firzanah...okay that's a lot of repetition of Firzanah. The thing which made me a little worry is Firzanah is actually sinking.
I just imagined a ship with the name Firzanah slowly sinking like a Titanic, I'm not obsessed with myself or my name and I'm not being a narcisstic person...but that's the truth, I have lost myself for quite sometime. I just don't know who I am anymore, there's a hollow in me...an emptiness, no feelings and no fillings* (get it? no fillings and feelings?)
Where is Firzanah? Every contact list, people will save my number as Liselle, even while texting, they will mention Liselle instead of Firzanah. I didn't bother to notice those things at first but after a while...I start losing me, 136 days of leaving the writing world... I can no longer write like I used to. Firzanah is gone...the person behind the name of Liselle went missing.
Liselle is lifeless without Firzanah, a missing identity that is nowhere to be reached or found.
A missing personality that used to bring colours,
Now it's nothing more than the shades of black and white,
I need Firzanah somehow but I just don't know how to bring her back ( I don't have personality disorder or OCD, don't get me wrong)
Have you ever feel that you have a lost a little part of you?
Maybe a character that you possess?
It's never easy once you start of losing yourself
As if you were drawn on a piece of paper and suddenly being erased slowly.
Fading and leave a few traces
Like you were you before
But now you turn to someone that is not you
A stranger to yourself
Sounds depressing...I know... I don't like writing depressing stuffs, it sure is heavy when it comes to describing and it's heavier to read. I always wanted to achieve something before I've turn 20 and now I'm still searching who I really am. Am I Firzanah, the person who live behind the characer of Liselle Moncherie, or just a stranger that is still missing her identity.