In the dark with only a little dim of light, I am typing this post under a thin blue blanket that cover me from the coldness that comes from the cold breeze of mom's air conditioner (like seriously I wrote the details to create an excitement...or I just failed?)

So anyway,October came and there's only 2 months left for me to cherish my age of being 19....like I wrote before...the last 1 before 9 and another digit is going to replace number 1 which I hope that is not going to be so soon...but time doesn't wait...sooner or later the numbers going to keep increasing and time to live will keep decreasing don't they?

I'm not gonna write about the Life and Times of Firzanah, or my own biography here but there's something been bothering me lately. I notice that some of my friends in the real world often refer me as Liselle instead of   Firzanah although they know me as Firzanah the Firzanah...okay that's a lot of repetition of Firzanah. The thing which made me a little worry is Firzanah is actually sinking.

I just imagined a ship with the name Firzanah slowly sinking like a Titanic, I'm not obsessed with myself or my name and I'm not being a narcisstic person...but that's the truth, I have lost myself for quite sometime. I just don't know who I am anymore, there's a hollow in me...an emptiness, no feelings and no fillings* (get it? no fillings and feelings?)

Where is Firzanah? Every contact list, people will save my number as Liselle, even while texting, they will mention Liselle instead of Firzanah. I didn't bother to notice those things at first but after a while...I start losing me, 136 days of leaving the writing world... I can no longer write like I used to. Firzanah is gone...the person behind the name of Liselle went missing.

Liselle is lifeless without Firzanah, a missing identity that is nowhere to be reached or found.

A missing personality that used to bring colours,

Now it's nothing more than the shades of black and white,

I need Firzanah somehow but I just don't know how to bring her back ( I don't have personality disorder or OCD, don't get me wrong)

Have you ever feel that you have a lost a little part of you?
Maybe a character that you possess?
It's never easy once you start of losing yourself
As if you were drawn on a piece of paper and suddenly being erased slowly.

Fading and leave a few traces
Like you were you before
But now you turn to someone that is not you
A stranger to yourself

Sounds depressing...I know... I don't like writing depressing stuffs, it sure is heavy when it comes to describing and it's heavier to read. I always wanted to achieve something before I've turn 20 and now I'm still searching who I really am. Am I Firzanah, the person who live behind the characer of Liselle Moncherie, or just a stranger that is still missing her identity.

Dear Blog, deep from my internal organ, I would like to say I MISS YOU and I MEAN IT!

4 months. the words in my head has been JAILED and SEALED, screaming to get out and be free....but there's isn't any time for me to unlock the bars that kept these words as prisoners...try unlocking the mind with broken keys...hoping that one day they just could be scribbled all over the walls and arrange themselves with the word FREEDOM.

How have I been lately? I'm FINE thank you, and how are you?

More than 120 days I've spent on the ground life of the ordinary Firzanah Kamil, who brushes her teeth after taking long showers, who always making her solo performance in empty classes and the one who likes to gaze on the sky more than she likes to gaze other people's eyes.Typical me.

Bumping into people everyday at the pavement to class,say hi to acquaintances and say hi to the walking fruits of my life are my routine.Doing the same thing every morning, only wearing different clothes and the same shoes to make a difference. I can tell it gets pretty boring somehow but, there was a day when I finally realized my turning point. the day I started to ask myself "Why didn't I realize about this earlier?"

Finding myself to get back on track,that's what I began to do....I remembered about my first ambition, to become an engineer...I've been surrounded by ambitious people, preparing themselves to meet their future careers and that made me realized how I wasted two years of my life doing nothing to posses a bright future. I accept the fact that maybe I wasn't born to become an engineer,my destiny already written on how my life would be, I don't have the power to write my own destiny that has clearly written for me and so I continue stepping forward on the lifeline that god gave me.

"The future is not our to see, Que Sera Sera, What will be, Will be"

On the very third semester of a Mass Comm student, I realized that I need to wake up and regain the balance that I've lost

I've learnt the meaning of Vision,

I've learnt the meaning of Ambition,

I've learnt HOPE

So I started studying, the thing that I never actually did when I had my first ambition,the thing that never triggered my passion before...after I met the three people that I could never think that I would be friends with, things started to change. I went studying until late night, dating books at the library and never give up on studying. They are the fire that burn the torch of my spirit that I've lost and I feel very lucky to be friends with them.

I never stop believing that there's a blessing in disguise and I think that I've made a turning point. I couldn't play any music instruments to express myself, the expression that can be heard beautifully only through those who can play the music but I know one thing that I can do best, express myself with the words that can add the colour to the melody, words that could form the lyrics for a symphony and that is writing.